Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Catch UP

I had to sit and think about what to post because there has been a lot of stuff that has been happening. Sometimes it is hard for me to clear my head and focus on what needs to be done in the correct order. Last post I was struggling with the lack of income and how it was messing with me. Now I still don't have the income that I would like but with my brother working life isn't about the money aspect. Now its about balance.

Making sure I don't procrastinate and miss school assignments has quickly risen to the top of my priorities. Along with making sure that both my son and daughter get quality time. Which I feel like sometimes my son doesn't get as much as he deserves because of the baby. But sometimes you just got to stop yourself in your tracks and reevaluate things and change the direction you were headed.

Things haven't been easy. Things with Ziah's dad and I are a lot more complicated then with Xay's dad. I never thought I would be thankful for my sons father but he has made it that way. I have no want or need to be that crazy baby momma guys talk about. I have no need to keep my kids away from their fathers nor to draw child support. If they choose not to be active in their kids lives then it would be no ones fault but their own. Lucky for me and my kids they both have dads that while not perfect do want to be in their kids lives. But my daughters dad gives me hell.....but it is never about our daughter it is generally him clashing with the woman I am. Which makes co-parenting harder. All I expect is Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Birthdays to be done together. I expect no arguments over bullshit. And in return I will not go off over most stuff unless we are talking about people being around the kids that are bad influences then I have plenty to say.

Speaking of new people I have this interesting new guy in my life at the moment. No not a boyfriend....just  a man who is uncomplicated for me. Which is something I have needed around...sometimes its weird being around someone older and dominant but the difference in his dominance and the kind I am used to is that he is not going to purposefully cause me harm. But I have this wall up. Its like I know myself well enough now to know when I am going to catch feelings. And this man...well that sums it up he is not a kid he is a man. He supports his own damn self. It's interesting tho because I got to fight myself not to shove him away and tuck tail and run. But something tells me I am going to learn a lot. He may leave after he graduates and I may never see him again in my life but at least he will be someone I remember. He left is mark on my soul and he doesn't even know.

There is so much more I could say. So much more to cover but that is for another day. If I was an amazing writer I think I would sell my life story. It would be an interesting book.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Rude Awakening

Sometimes you get those rude awakenings that things aren't how they seem. That life is about to become even more real then it had already become.

Somewhere between being on maternity leave, turning in my 2 weeks notice for a new job only to be told i'm not getting it. Life got real. Rent, electric, gas, water all major things that are due and I can't pay. So job hunting has begun but the check isn't going to be enough or come fast enough.

And then I have the realization that I am an obligation almost to my brother. Lucky for me he doesn't read this. He isn't happy here and I can't blame him. But besides my kids he is the only person I have. I mean I got my parents but I don't really talk and hang out with them. I guess I leaned on him a little too heavy. I don't want to be the reason he is unhappy. And so my mind tells me I got to pull back and make sure things are done. If he leaves its just me and the kids. Sing or swim.

Right about now I kind of feel like crying and I feel like everything is falling apart but there is nothing I can do. Just keep trudging on.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Strong Enough

I can say life as a single mom is more challenging these early months when dealing with two children. Honestly I don't think I would consider if half as bad if I was able to manage my time better but I am struggling. Oh don't get me wrong quitting is not a option. But most days I feel like I half only halfway accomplished the stuff I needed to do if then. Welcome to motherhood. Ladies have been warning their daughters of this moment since we were old enough to know we too would someday become a mother.

Feeding hungry kids, changing diapers (and/or wiping butts if your child hasn't figured it out yet like mine), baths (giving the kids a bath is easier then getting a shower), college homework (and you know they got to overload it like people ain't got a job or kids to take care of), and work (even though I work from home there is a zero-noise tolerance). My mind seems to go on auto pilot at some point you learn to deal with the new lack of sleep and the constant demand of a child needing attention. Who ever looks like they are a well put together is lying folks. Most days my hair is sticking up looking like I was struck by lightning, my feet are black from running around barefoot, probably in some part of my pj's from the day before, praying I manage to get a shower because Lord knows if I go a day longer I might start to smell funny.

But here is the thing, I knew what I signed up for (mostly). I would change everything about my life except for my kids. I wish I had graduated from college earlier instead of going back and doing it now I could have already had an established career. I wish I had of kept the job where I made my schedule it would have been useful now. In a dream world I would get to be a single mom where all I had to do all day was focus on keeping the house decent and then kids happy and fed. I don't think that will ever happen so my mind zones in to appreciate the moments I get to give my kids of my undivided attention. The moments where my son curls up next to me to have a book read or when he looks at me and tells me I am an awesome mommy. The moments I get to spend with the baby where she is just zoned in checking out my face and something I do makes her smile or when she is snuggled against me holding onto the collar of whatever shirt or tank top I got on. I cherish those moments because I know they will only be small for a little while. If I spend all my time thinking about my next assignment or working (even if it is to pay the bills) I will miss the important things like this.

I'm not complaining my brain is just comprehending what new fact about my new life.

And while it could be easier I am definitely strong enough to manage.